When you are deprived of laughing, and you finally get to again, its the best feeling in the world. Someone very special to me was the person who could make me laugh no matter what. Now I don't have her anymore, so its hard to find things that make me happy. When I do laugh, I think of her and laugh harder, rembering our inside jokes and her contagious laugh. When I laugh I let my guard down, so I usually cry, because nothing is better than feeling alive when you are living somewhere you don't want to be.

It's strange to me how a person can be the reason you try hard, the reason you take pride. Its strange to me how comfortable we get and then things change and we flail. It's strange to me how we see things coming, yet we don't prepare ourselves for them. It's strange to me that I find this strange, because its human nature.

Make your own decisions. It's as simple as that. Stop questioning your judgement and just do what your heart tells you. The more you question yourself, the more you'll make stupid choices. I mean, if your friend is going to jump off a cliff without looking over the edge, I would hope you would have the mentality to say no way. That little voice in the back of your head that is telling you not to do something, is probably right. Asking someone's opinion is totally okay, but if you are basing every one of your decisions on what people tell you, are you even thinking for your self? I find it so annoying when people are constantly asking, "Do you think I embarrassed myself? Should I take that class? Will you come with me?" I mean seriously, I'm not the one who has to put up with the outcome, you are. So decide on your own. Please. I'm open to giving advice or giving my opinion, but ultimately it should be your choice, and your choice only. Practice being your own person.

           Can someone please explain to me why we let our worth be decided by other people? It drives me up the wall to think that because someone tells you you are fat, stupid, ugly, a slut, whatever it is, that it means it's true and that you should believe it. I used to be someone who hid behind makeup or clothes to hide my insecurities, and some days I still do. I've come to realized that the more you try to hide it, the more obvious it becomes. If you develop a mindset where you can understand that everyone has insecurities and just walking the halls like you have no care in the world, then I promise that you will be a lot happier and you'll feel so much better about yourself. There is no worse feeling than walking past people and all you can think about is, "Is my mascara smudged? Do I have a makeup line? Does this shirt make me look fat? Do I have a muffin top?" etc. It's not easy to just accept yourself, it takes time, but it's the best thing I ever did for myself. For those people that point out other people's flaws, KNOCK IT OFF. Unless your hands are absolutely clean, don't point a finger. Everyone has flaws, and I guarantee that you are not going to like it when someone tells you what yours are. End of rant.

        Someday when I'm finished school and I can do whatever I want, I'm going to do something unforgettably extraordinary. I don't have any idea what it'll be or how I'll do it, but I'll make it happen.

         When I say unforgettable I don't mean that I don't want the world to forget, I mean that I don't want to forget the distinct feeling I get when I finally do it.

          I couldn't care less about the fame I could gain, the recognition. I just crave a fantastic indescribable feeling.

           When I finally get the feeling, I want to know that if I were to die in that instant, that I would be perfectly content. I want to die feeling lifted and energized, not in a hospital bed. So if one day I get this feeling, I might just let go, or at least try to. I don't know if a person can actually use their psychological power to die, all I know is that I want to die with adrenaline pumping through my veins. I want the sensation of invisibility, like I'm the only person on earth.

           I won't know when it's coming, and I don't know what I'll have to do to make it happen, but when its that unmistakeable moment I'll know.

            Maybe this is just crap though. It might just be an idea that only exists in movies, or in stupid infomercials for anti-depressants. But I'd rather sound like a lunatic than not believe in something bigger than myself, something that walks the border between reality and insanity.

            When I do this extraordinary thing, and get the unforgettable feeling, whatever it may be, it might be the last thing I do and feel. But what more is there to ask for than to die extraordinarily?

"Everyone you meet is facing a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." ~Unknown.

Growing Up Blind

        It's taken me a long time to realize it, or maybe I've known all along but I was determined for things to stay the way I needed them to be. When you're a kid your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, who ever it may be acts a certain way and it becomes how you know them as a person. They act sweet and they never let you in on the fact that grandpa could be dying of cancer, or that there isn't any money left for gas, again. I get it that they are just trying to protect us and let us be kids, but at what cost? When I was seven years old I started to clue into the tension or awkwardness in the room when we were all around. I started listening in on those under breathed conversations. I started to realize that the people who were fearless, the people who always smiled, the people who all loved each other didn't always. I guess I ignored it the best I could, gave myself excuses for the people acting differently. But now I'm getting to know my older family all over again, learning who they really are. Not being "a kid" anymore, sucks. But now I've decided that I would rather know the truth, than be taken where I'm supposed to be with a blind fold over my eyes. I'm not trying to bash my family, I think this is something that happens in most peoples lives when they're a kid. It just seems strange that we never really get to know the real side of people until they can't keep up the act any longer. Do we have the right to be mad at our family members for "lying" to us?